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Saturdays with Stella: The Dragon’s Story, St. George and the Dragon

Saint-George-and-the-Dragon

Okay. I’m the dragon that you all know from St. George and the dragon. Or you think you know.

First things first, my name is not “the dragon”, its Clive Harmonia. My life’s ambition is to save the wandering albatross, and to find out if knights taste best deep fried or microwaved on “popcorn”. As for the princess, her name is Mud Ash-Felt. I don’t eat princesses because they are gross and high in cholesterol.

Anyways, a while ago, a leprechaun, a phoenix, and a Kangaroo started an environment club. What could I do? I joined.

This is where the story starts. I convinced Mud to join the club. This time I got to host the meeting. I spent all morning tastefully placing my prize Venus fly traps around my cave and hanging my best quilts on the walls. I decided that I should remind everyone that this week we were starting our “save the Eastern wolf” campaign so I logged on to the MacBook pro that I keep at the back of my cave. I punched in the password (ogledebogledy346923?!”<) and clicked enter.

At that point I realised that that St. George guy had hacked into my Twitter account. Great. Last time he did that he told everyone that I recently got engaged to a clown. I wonder what he told everyone this time. Oh. He said to everyone that I think that princesses are yummy and that I want to eat Mud. Who on earth would do that?! If you eat a princess, all the humans will never stop coming to “slay” you with those tooth picks they call swords. And all the jewels they wear get stuck in your teeth.

I hear the ring of a bell. It’s the bell I hung outside of my cave to use as a door bell. When I answered it, it turned out to be Koki the werewolf. She’s always the first to get to the meetings because she reads her sundial upside down.

“H-Hi Clive! Did you make your epic squirrel pie again? Could you give me the recipe?!”

“Yes to both of those questions, Koki.”

“PONE!!!!!!!!”

As Koki settled down into a bean bag, the other members started coming in. A number of comments about my cooking are flung at me.

“These crackers are like so totally awesome, Clive”

“OMMNOMMMUNCHGOBBLEGOBLESLURPGULPCHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOMPBBURPP!”

These are the most hideous and ugly cakes I have ever seen! But they’re nice.”

Mud came in last because her castle is in the village, which is pretty far away, and the public transport carriage drivers are on strike.

We all sat in a circle and began discussing new ideas to raise money for the campaign. Koki suggested that we sell squirrel pies to raise money in the village, but I knew that that wouldn’t work because Koki would just eat all the pies before we had our first customer. Minotaur suggested that we make an entertainment show where we popped giant helium balloons in front of an audience, but I don’t know who would PAY to see a couple of creatures pop balloons. Shredder the unicorn said that maybe if a local celebrity joined the campaign, all the villagers would go crazy over it, winning the eastern wolf campaign money and the celebrity fame. We all liked that.

“So do we have any local celebrities?” proposed Blaze the Phoenix.

“I dunno. Let’s make a list, mates.” Chimed David the kangaroo, in his usual Australian slang.

We got out some scrap paper and started brain storming. Unsurprisingly, the only person we could come up with was St. George.

“But he HATES the environment!!!”

“He paid someone 30 pieces of silver to invent a paving machine!!!”

“Yuck Yuck Yuck!!!”

I decided to make the eco pals some tea, because they were starting to sound like actors in a Shakespearian tragedy. I went over to the corner of the cave where I have a stove, a sink, my fridge and my cooking utensils. I picked the biggest pot I had, which was so big, King Henry the Eighth could have laid down in it and felt comfortable. I walked over to the sink, which was actually a spout of water coming out of the wall and filled up the pot. It took a really long time. Meanwhile, I picked out my favourite tea bag brand (Mutton Magic) from the rock shelf where I keep the food for when I’m entertaining guests.

Suddenly everyone in the front of the cave started to shout as if a rampaging hippopotamus herd was charging up the hill. I could make out some shouts.

“YEEEPPPP!!!! WHAT IS THAT MYSTEREOUS FIGURE EMERGEING FROM THE FOG!?!?!?!?!?!?!”

“It’s the Grim Reaper!!!”

“It’s the Boogie Man!!!!”

“AKKKKKK!!!! IT’S BOZO THE CLOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

(The sound of someone fainting on the floor) *CRASH BANG CCCRUUUNCCCHHH tinkle tinkle*

I ran into the front room, still holding the pot. It turned out that the mysterious figure was (luckily) not Bozo the clown. It was St. George. He claimed that he was here to “rescue” Mud.

I don’t usually fight knights but this George guy was totally crossing the line. Then something in me snapped. Heck, I’m a dragon, and this is what I’m supposed to do. Fight and eat knights. I was just trying to help the environment, and this knight was tuning it into a gong show.

I prepared to ignite my saliva, and breathe the first tongue of flame that I had since I was a teenager, but I paused when I saw the look of terror on George’s face as he turned to run. I stopped. My flame frenzy instinct shut down.

George tripped over a barrel of ground pepper and fell into the pot. The pepper floated into the air, and my nostrils twitched. I felt a sneeze coming on. Aaaaahhhh, AHHHHH, AHHHHHHHH….. CCCHHHEEWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!

The flaming sneeze hit the pot, boiling the water in an instant.

And to make a long story short, I found out that knights taste best boiled in water to make broth.

Stella is my 10-year-old daughter and on Saturdays, I let her rent this space from me because she thinks blogs are cool. It is her hope that her writing will appeal to kids her age as well as to the adults who read here too. (For the intro to Saturdays with Stella, click here.)

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Comments

  1. Ralph Harrison says:

    Stella, I love it!!!!! :)

  2. Adam Harrison says:

    I am blown away by this short story. Honestly, for a whole day I was laughing every time I thought of it. Humour is so hard to get right in a story and you nailed it! Keep it up please!

  3. this is talent- writing from the dragon perspective. Wow. Very dry humour and brilliant. I am so impressed.

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