Just as I happened to be reading an article titled “Envy at Work,” my friend and fellow blogger Andrea at A Peek Inside the Fishbowl published a new post titled “Thinking aloud about envy.”
The article I was reading had initially intrigued me because envy isn’t a common topic for Harvard Business Review, or business research in general for that matter. Also, I work in the area of organizational change management and I wondered if envy played a role in resistance to new ideas.
The authors, Tanya Menon and Leigh Thompson, present some very interesting ways in which envy does indeed affect a company’s performance and its employees receptiveness to change. But more helpfully, they also offer concrete steps to take in order to overcome envy’s damaging side effects, both as an individual but also as a team leader.
I think it’s no surprise to any of us that envy is not something one wants. It’s an unpleasant feeling and as Andrea states in her post:
I really don’t want my kids to be envious. It’s emotionally draining, and an utter waste of energy. Envy isn’t pretty.
She then asks:
So how do we teach our children not to envy others or covet what others might have?
Does it start with helping our children cultivate healthy self-esteem? Helping our children find something they are good at and teaching them how to be self-reliant and confident little people?
I’d love to hear your thoughts.
I left a note in Andrea’s comments section saying that I would consider Menon and Thompson’s research from the work environment to see if the findings were transferable to a parenting environment. And my conclusion (as valid or invalid as it may be!) is that they are.
The authors of this article, published in the April 2010 issue of HBR, argue that denying or concealing envy is not helpful. Instead, confront your feelings and use mental exercises to replace negative thought patterns with more positive and productive ones. Here are three such exercises that Menon and Thompson suggest:
1. Pinpoint what makes you envious. The idea here is to find out what your “triggers” are. So, for example, a commentor on Andrea’s blog noted that she falls prey to house envy, whereas others might be envious of name-brand clothing or someone else’s children who always get perfect report cards. Once you know what your triggers are — like a smoker who might know that their morning coffee is a trigger — you can consciously avoid or tame your triggers before they get the best of you.
2. Don’t focus on other people; focus on yourself. It’s natural to compare yourself to others, especially those that are close to you. Perhaps a friend who is really fit and trim, or a sister who lives in a large home. But while it’s natural, like all things, too much of it can be unhealthy. Instead, work to compare yourself to yourself. So, for example, just because Sue can run 20 miles doesn’t mean you should compare your 10 miles to hers. Instead, look back and see that only 2 months ago you could only run 2 miles and now you can run 10. You’ll increase your self-confidence and lessen your resentment for Sue.
3. Affirm yourself. Now that you know your triggers and have a more accurate assessment of your own accomplishments, a third exercise is to affirm yourself. Here’s what the authors found about this technique:
In one experiment we asked people to think about a rival and prepare for a task in which they would evaluate that person’s latest idea. Before the task, half the participants listed some of their own accomplishments (“I’m a good tennis player”) or cherished values (“I put my family first”). The other half did not.
This simple exercise yielded profound results. When we asked the participants what percentage of their working hours they’d be willing to devote to learning about their rival’s plan, we found that managers who had affirmed themselves were willing to allocate 60% more time than those who had not affirmed themselves.
If we don’t manage to curb envy, its two common manifestations, according to Menon and Thompson are “disparagement and distancing.” Disparaging the traits or qualities of others won’t help us get ahead in life (“She’s just lucky”) and distancing from those close to use (like the friend or sister example above) can be as equally harmful.
I do believe that everyone feels envy. It’s natural and we don’t need to feel ashamed of it. But like Andrea, I also believe that self-esteem is the key to keeping envy in check. These three exercises seem to confirm that as well.
So what do you think? Could you see being able to apply these techniques in your life as a parent? Like Andrea, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
This is great! I think focusing on yourself is a big one. I know that I could use some work in that area personally, and I would love to be able to pass it down to my children. Especially in school and in sports and other extracurricular activities – it’s important they be proud of themselves and not compare themselves to others (or their results or accomplishments, etc).
I was the house envy commenter on Andrea’s post, and thus I have gotten pretty good at being able to pinpoint my envy – which does help me try to curb it and keep it in check. I know where it comes from and thankfully can usually stop it before it starts to explode!
Hi Shannon – I’m glad you found Menon and Thompson’s techniques helpful. I’m going to be more conscious of them myself too. As for house envy — that is my big trigger too! It’s a daily challenge these days as spring hits and I get house-crazy!
Your post is excellent Julie. And those are good strategies for sure.
Two things:
House envy is a funny thing. Our house is considered small. It’s only about 1500 sq. ft, and feels A LOT smaller in the winter months. It was built in 1942 and has very litlte closet space. But I’m really trying hard to shift my thinking around my perceived issue of “smallness.” Smallness is a POV thing, and I think that the problem is ours. It’s not that the closets are small, just that we have too much stuff! Obviously the allotted space worked well for many other families before us. How come we can’t make it work?
Also: our house seems huge compared to friends of ours who also have two kids and live in an 800 sq ft. space. Our house feels positively palatial compared to that.
Second thing I wanted to mention was about kids whining for toys at the store. I got sick of the “I want I waaaaant” very quickly (who wouldn’t?) and asked the girls to change their words to “I like this” instead of “I want this.” And it’s worked. It’s made a huge difference in our trips to the store and it somehow, subconsciously, shifted some level of perception they have about material things.
Funny eh?
Hi Andrea –
Yes, I agree, house envy is a funny thing. It’s a “keeping up with the Jones” feeling rather than a rational need.
And I love your “I like this” strategy for stores! Ingenius!
Julie
Affirm yourself. I hear this a lot, I’ll admit that I am NOT any good at this. The whole “I am happy, I am good” routine doesn’t fly with me. Perhaps I’m lazy, perhaps I don’t believe in it, I’m not sure. I know I shouldn’t knock it until I try it, but for some reason it’s a huge leap of faith for me.
That said, I do think they are valuable lessons to teach our children. I’ll be interested to hear what you think about Raising Happiness when you get to read it. She touches on issues very similar to these in the parenting context. The irony is, I found so much of what she writes to relate to my own life, professionally and personally. Funny since you try to do the opposite here, but I think as we grown up we can unlearn things or have a harder time paying hommage to these parts of ourselves. I thinking modelling is the biggest thing we can do to teach our children these skills, and I know I have a lot of work to do to get there.
Can’t wait until you read it!! I’d really love to get together and chat about it.
I know what you mean about the affirming thing. It just feels so … well, I don’t know. But research confirms, time and time again, that it really does work. Looking forward to our coffee and discussion!