self-esteem « coffee with Julie

Posts Tagged ‘self-esteem’

June 21st, 2010

Commercials are bad for my mental health

Lately, I have found myself watching commercials more consciously. And it seems that pretty much everything about me is simply not good enough — not my skin, my body shape, the way my house smells, or even my own role in my family.

This constant barrage of criticism can’t be good for my mental health, can it? Even though I can intellectually reject it, messages can still creep into my subconscious.

And if it’s not good for my mental health, then I certainly don’t want to expose my daughter (and son!) to it either. But wait … is it actually possible for her to avoid this kind of exposure? I can limit it but I cannot stop these commercials from reaching her at some point.

This is something that my husband and I have, regretably, had to accept. We’ve decided that it is more effective to teach our children how to think critically and challenge what it presented to them, than to spend all of our efforts ensuring that they are not exposed to this kind of mass-manipulation.

So if the television is on in our house and the woman on the television is telling me how to lose weight before bathing suit season, I will talk back to her: “Oh, shut up! I am fine the way I am and diets are unhealthy. You just want my money!” Or alternatively, “What’s wrong with the wrinkles around my eyes? They’re natural. It’s just something that happens when you age. Stop trying to sell me your stupid creams! And how come you don’t try and sell these creams to men, huh?”

I just thought you should know in case you drop by one day and find me talking to myself. Or yelling.

And also because I just found a gem of a woman named Sarah Haskins (thanks to Margot Magowan and About Face) and she does a tremendous job and breaking down the marketing techniques that specifically target women. Here is one of my favourites, titled “Target Women: Feeding your Family”:

Other great topics that she covers include: Disney Princesses, Cleaning Products, Yogurt, and Skin Care Science and even Vampires. I think her videos could be a great tool for parents who want to challenge media messages with their tweens and teenagers since she manages to combine a critical eye with wit and some well-chosen snark.

What do you think … did they give you a chuckle? did they make you think twice about how a commercial is manipulating you? And how does a woman manage to maintain any self-esteem these days when we’re faced with critical messaging all around us?

I’ve gotta go now. It’s bathing suit season around the corner and I need to go feed myself a liquid meal. :P

7 Comments »

April 21st, 2010

Thinking aloud about envy (with Andrea)

Just as I happened to be reading an article titled “Envy at Work,” my friend and fellow blogger Andrea at A Peek Inside the Fishbowl published a new post titled “Thinking aloud about envy.”

The article I was reading had initially intrigued me because envy isn’t a common topic for Harvard Business Review, or business research in general for that matter. Also, I work in the area of organizational change management and I wondered if envy played a role in resistance to new ideas.

The authors, Tanya Menon and Leigh Thompson, present some very interesting ways in which envy does indeed affect a company’s performance and its employees receptiveness to change. But more helpfully, they also offer concrete steps to take in order to overcome envy’s damaging side effects, both as an individual but also as a team leader.

I think it’s no surprise to any of us that envy is not something one wants. It’s an unpleasant feeling and as Andrea states in her post:

I really don’t want my kids to be envious. It’s emotionally draining, and an utter waste of energy. Envy isn’t pretty.

She then asks:

So how do we teach our children not to envy others or covet what others might have?

Does it start with helping our children cultivate healthy self-esteem? Helping our children find something they are good at and teaching them how to be self-reliant and confident little people?

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

I left a note in Andrea’s comments section saying that I would consider Menon and Thompson’s research from the work environment to see if the findings were transferable to a parenting environment. And my conclusion (as valid or invalid as it may be!) is that they are.

The authors of this article, published in the April 2010 issue of HBR, argue that denying or concealing envy is not helpful. Instead, confront your feelings and use mental exercises to replace negative thought patterns with more positive and productive ones. Here are three such exercises that Menon and Thompson suggest:

1. Pinpoint what makes you envious. The idea here is to find out what your “triggers” are. So, for example, a commentor on Andrea’s blog noted that she falls prey to house envy, whereas others might be envious of name-brand clothing or someone else’s children who always get perfect report cards. Once you know what your triggers are — like a smoker who might know that their morning coffee is a trigger — you can consciously avoid or tame your triggers before they get the best of you.

2. Don’t focus on other people; focus on yourself. It’s natural to compare yourself to others, especially those that are close to you. Perhaps a friend who is really fit and trim, or a sister who lives in a large home. But while it’s natural, like all things, too much of it can be unhealthy. Instead, work to compare yourself to yourself. So, for example, just because Sue can run 20 miles doesn’t mean you should compare your 10 miles to hers. Instead, look back and see that only 2 months ago you could only run 2 miles and now you can run 10. You’ll increase your self-confidence and lessen your resentment for Sue.

3. Affirm yourself. Now that you know your triggers and have a more accurate assessment of your own accomplishments, a third exercise is to affirm yourself. Here’s what the authors found about this technique:

In one experiment we asked people to think about a rival and prepare for a task in which they would evaluate that person’s latest idea. Before the task, half the participants listed some of their own accomplishments (“I’m a good tennis player”) or cherished values (“I put my family first”). The other half did not.

This simple exercise yielded profound results. When we asked the participants what percentage of their working hours they’d be willing to devote to learning about their rival’s plan, we found that managers who had affirmed themselves were willing to allocate 60% more time than those who had not affirmed themselves.

If we don’t manage to curb envy, its two common manifestations, according to Menon and Thompson are “disparagement and distancing.” Disparaging the traits or qualities of others won’t help us get ahead in life (“She’s just lucky”) and distancing from those close to use (like the friend or sister example above) can be as equally harmful.

I do believe that everyone feels envy. It’s natural and we don’t need to feel ashamed of it. But like Andrea, I also believe that self-esteem is the key to keeping envy in check. These three exercises seem to confirm that as well.

So what do you think? Could you see being able to apply these techniques in your life as a parent? Like Andrea, I’d love to hear your thoughts.