If you’re still feeling a little charbroiled, how about a little comedic interlude courtesy of David Sedaris?
And yes, I am like a dog with a bone when I find an author I like (witness those Eric Bogosian posts I put you through a while back). I already swept through Chapters the other day between dispensing Tylenol to sick people and picked up one of his other collections. It was a tough choice, but I decided upon Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim (2004). I was lucky enough to have been given at $50 gift certificate to Chapters from a friend/client (thanks again, Elaine!) for my birthday and I was tempted to blow the whole thing on Sedaris, but I took a little pause and restrained myself to just one. For now.
Here are a few of Sedaris’ pithy words that amused me. I hope they do the same for you too!
“If you’re looking for sympathy you’ll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.” (Barrel Fever)
On undecided voters:
“To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. “Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?”
To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.”
On American nationalism:
“Every day we’re told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it’s always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it’s startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are ‘We’re number two!’”
On his new look, a bow tie:
“It was my friend Frank, a writer in San Francisco, who finally set me straight. When asked about my new look he put down his fork and stared at me for a few moments. “A bow tie announces to the world you can no longer get an erection.” (When You Are Engulfed in Flames)
On his parents’ losing their over-zealous pride in his Princeton degree:
“In time my father stopped wearing his Princeton gear. My mother stopped talking about my “potential,” and she and my dad got themselves a brown and white puppy. In terms of intelligence, it was just average, but they couldn’t see that at all. “Aren’t you the smartest dog in the world?” they’d ask, and the puppy would lick their fingers in a way that was disturbingly familiar.” (When You Are Engulfed in Flames)
On his father’s confusion on his university course selections:
“He didn’t understand that it’s all connected, that one subject leads to another and forms a kind of chain that raises its head and nods like a cobra when you’re sucking a bong after three days of no sleep. On acid, it’s even wilder and appears to eat things. But not having gone to college, my dad had no concept of a well-rounded liberal arts education.” (When You Are Engulfed in Flames)