People go on and on about how much they hate Walmart and how evil it is. But you rarely hear the same people talk about Ikea with the same vehemence. I even checked: Google results for “I hate Ikea” are 13 million, where as “I hate Walmart” delivers more than 58 million results. And we all know that Google knows everything.

After making my first visit to the largest Ikea in Canada, I find this rather perplexing since I would much rather shop at my local Walmart than my new, huge, local Ikea, that’s for sure. Perhaps it’s that Ikea, with its design aesthetic and clever ads, is just more trendy and easier to like? More, how shall we say … yuppie.

I’m sure there are lots of sophisticated reasons for hating Walmart more than Ikea, but really, I think we’ve all probably been too gentle on our Swedish friend. Both pay their employees low wages, both have a significant impact on landscape due to the sheer size of their stores, both list China as a major supplier, and both encourage mass consumption.

But let’s put aside the “big perspective,” for a moment and let me rant, as an individual, about how irksome my recent shopping experience was at Ikea.

1. Reserved Parking for Hybrid Vehicles: As I pulled into the parking lot, I noticed a whole bunch of available parking spots right near the front. I assumed these spots were reserved for drivers with disabilities. But nooooo … these were for hybrid vehicles. Ha! Who does Ikea think its target market really is? The people shopping at Ikea are driving in from the suburbs in their mini-vans and SUVs or hitching a ride with their roommate in a beat-up second-hand car. Silly Ikea. Those hybrid car owners are strolling about their local, gentrified neighbourhood boutiques. So, there they sat — all these prime parking spots — empty.

2. No Windows: Enclosed spaces are not for humans. They might be necessary for transporting humans — like elevators or airplanes — but they are generally unpleasant. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be building codes for bedrooms to have windows, or office designs built around windows. Windows are pleasant. There are no windows where the products are in Ikea stores. It’s the same premise that casinos use, which helps people lose track of time and spend more money. Ikea’s funneling system (see #3) seems to magnify the effect that no windows has upon me.

3. The Lab Rat Syndrome: All Ikeas are built to push consumers past every single one of their wares. It is a single funnel that you are extruded through like an object or animal …. or, well, worse. The smaller Ikea we had in Ottawa did this of course, but its scale was so much smaller that it was merely irksome. On this more massive, larger scale? We moved between feeling like cattle being prodded through to the slaughterhouse to lab rats being observed from up high as we muddled through a maze. It felt uncomfortable. Too controlled. I had to fight an overwhelming sensation to run madly screaming, “Help! Where’s the exit?!”

4. Enviro-Cool: It seems that Ikea has jumped on the enviro-cool wagon. I’m all for enviro-friendly, but enviro-cool is just grating. Take the hybrid parking noted above. This is touted as one of their many eco-friendly features. But who are they kidding? All Ikea furniture is destined for the landfill — it cannot be passed down from generation to generation, heck, it can’t even be used second-hand because it won’t last long enough for that! Another stat used in virtually every press release and blog post that I read noted that this Ottawa Ikea store was 40% more efficient than its last store. Sure, that’s great … but if it really wanted to be enviro-friendly, it wouldn’t be the 18 times larger than the arena at ScotiaBank Place! The size is just crazy big. Too big, in fact, to be enjoyable (see #3).

Photography credit: Julie Oliver, Ottawa Citizen.

5. The Ottawa Sky-Line: Anyone who has recently driven eastward from Kanata on the Queensway on the way home from work has wondered: “Huh? What is that large light?” Only to find that it is the new, huge electronic billboard on the side of the Ikea building. Change to the horizon and our day-to-day landscape is inevitable, but this one is so ugly that it’s hard not to feel a little put out by it.

So there we have it: why I did not enjoy shopping in the new and “improved” Ottawa Ikea. In this case, I didn’t find bigger to be better. You? Love or hate, share your tales in the comments below.