I really don’t want my kids to be envious. It’s emotionally draining, and an utter waste of energy. Envy isn’t pretty.

She then asks:

So how do we teach our children not to envy others or covet what others might have?

Does it start with helping our children cultivate healthy self-esteem? Helping our children find something they are good at and teaching them how to be self-reliant and confident little people?

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

I left a note in Andrea’s comments section saying that I would consider Menon and Thompson’s research from the work environment to see if the findings were transferable to a parenting environment. And my conclusion (as valid or invalid as it may be!) is that they are.

The authors of this article, published in the April 2010 issue of HBR, argue that denying or concealing envy is not helpful. Instead, confront your feelings and use mental exercises to replace negative thought patterns with more positive and productive ones.  Here are three such exercises that Menon and Thompson suggest:

1. Pinpoint what makes you envious. The idea here is to find out what your “triggers” are. So, for example, a commentor on Andrea’s blog noted that she falls prey to house envy, whereas others might be envious of name-brand clothing or someone else’s children who always get perfect report cards. Once you know what your triggers are — like a smoker who might know that their morning coffee is a trigger — you can consciously avoid or tame your triggers before they get the best of you.

2. Don’t focus on other people; focus on yourself. It’s natural to compare yourself to others, especially those that are close to you. Perhaps a friend who is really fit and trim, or a sister who lives in a large home. But while it’s natural, like all things, too much of it can be unhealthy. Instead, work to compare yourself to yourself. So, for example, just because Sue can run 20 miles doesn’t mean you should compare your 10 miles to hers. Instead, look back and see that only 2 months ago you could only run 2 miles and now you can run 10. You’ll increase your self-confidence and lessen your resentment for Sue.

3. Affirm yourself. Now that you know your triggers and have a more accurate assessment of your own accomplishments, a third exercise is to affirm yourself. Here’s what the authors found about this technique:

In one experiment we asked people to think about a rival and prepare for a task in which they would evaluate that person’s latest idea. Before the task, half the participants listed some of their own accomplishments (“I’m a good tennis player”) or cherished values (“I put my family first”). The other half did not.

This simple exercise yielded profound results. When we asked the participants what percentage of their working hours they’d be willing to devote to learning about their rival’s plan, we found that managers who had affirmed themselves were willing to allocate 60% more time than those who had not affirmed themselves.

If we don’t manage to curb envy, its two common manifestations, according to Menon and Thompson are “disparagement and distancing.” Disparaging the traits or qualities of others won’t help us get ahead in life (“She’s just lucky”) and distancing from those close to use (like the friend or sister example above) can be as equally harmful. 

I do believe that everyone feels envy. It’s natural and we don’t need to feel ashamed of it. But like Andrea, I also believe that self-esteem is the key to keeping envy in check. These three exercises seem to confirm that as well.

So what do you think? Could you see being able to apply these techniques in your life as a parent? Like Andrea, I’d love to hear your thoughts.